only there.

in the middle of sleep

eyes back and forth

and back

slow breath

fast dreams

i could hear a tiny song

i knew it, it was special to me

and when i woke up

i couldn't remember the notes

i had forgotten the tune

i tried closing my eyes again

real tight

i squeezed them so tight

my eyelashes melted together

i needed to hear it just one more time

i wanted it to crawl back in my ear and stay forever

though

i knew it would only ever live

in the middle of sleep

when my eyes moved back and forth

and i breathed so slow

and my dreams were so fast.

.

up and up

A boat in the sky.
I'll catch it someday, I will.
I'll latch on to it's low-flying anchor
and I'll climb til I reach the top.
What a climb it will be.
the birds will mock
and the airplanes will watch.
But that won't stop my climbing.
my palms will be burnt,
no blood in my biceps.
I will see every city
from my place on the rope.
I will look down to the ocean.
I will evaporate with it
up to the clouds
through the clouds.
Find my boat.
The sky as my company.
So many pulls.
And
after so many hours
so many days
I will reach that boat.
With the last of my strength
and the last of my will.
On board I will stand.
I've no guessing clue
what awaits for me there.
But we'll see,
I guess we'll see.

Give me a boat and I'll sail it.
Give me a class and I'll fail it.
Give me a sock and I'll pair it.
Give me a ring and I'll wear it.

My heart skips to beat it.

All the time in the world would never be enough.
There were some years ahead
little behind
a shortish span. a ticking hand.
perhaps too long
perhaps not at all.
timepiece within reach
a tiny prayer
I hurry here, I hurry there.
blood used to run slow.
but here comes the rush.
never enough
never enough
I have never stopped
I never will
give me time?
I hurry still.
I do see things
to my left and to my right
I watch them,
I watch them blur
a dizzying sight.
The clock ticks so fast,
My heart skips to beat it.
Molasses is the clock
if I'm quick to defeat it.
The hand's paralysis.
A deafening tick.
Beating time,
beat the time.
longer days
cannot quit.
Give me time
and I will sit.

world wide web.

Here I am on this spider web
my arms sprawled against the sticky sticky strings
the beast with the fangs heaving in the corner
I want to pull and tug and thrash
he'll feel me moving
he'll feel me moving then wrap me up
then eat me
I can feel him looking at me
he's waiting, I know
he'll eat me
I can't move
I can barely breathe
perhaps I'll sleep to pass the time
I'll just think of something else
why try
there he is
ready to pounce, ready to eat
stay still darling
stay still
do not move
sleep
pretend
do not move.


stay and "live."
Or jump.
and live.

:/

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

My heart is so so fond right now.




Have a good day at work Nathan, my best friend and most perfect boyfriend.
I hope you check this.
If so, just pretend I am snugging the stuffing out of you right now.
Miss you, love you.
See you Saturday.

found.

All in one car ride.
So much can happen.
A soul can be changed
a path can be found
a light can be seen
a world can flip
I was lost again
who knows where
the road was made of eels.
I felt absolutely nothing.
I was all blurred and scribbled
Then I remembered.
God knows how I did.
I remembered his presence
I remembered eternal joy
I remembered the greater love,
And in that split second
my eyes opened so wide
and my head cleared
and the road was again paved
and I saw it, I saw that beautiful road
I burst
I felt again.
Deep remorse, repentence, peace.
Joy again.
I was made.
I was born.
I was painted.
I saw the world again
I replaced my money centered head
with people in need.
With the city
and with all that truly matters.
Hello again world.
Here we go.


.

trigger.

His wristwatch read 12
From where he stood he could hear bells
A familiar string
A torrential tide of thought rushed his brain
The sound
The sound, he knew
Suddenly the scent of lilacs approached
A drift of hot air
Closing his eyes he could see lips,
a posie,
a moth.
The moth brought his childhood treehouse to the picture
he could feel a splinter
taste bonfire.
He could then see empty bottles
hear slurred "Whaa!"
smell wet leaves.
Wet leaves,
shoving Norman,
whistling at a short skirt.
Train whistles
That train ride
cigarette musk
and coffee stains.
Starbucks
Louise
marriage.
Bells.
12:02
Back.

.

creatures.

In a land where homes contain secrets
and curtains close to seal them in
where the envelope is licked well
and no sounds can escape,
there are creatures.
They somersault in through the vents and the crack under the door.
Then they cartwheel right into the secret's lair.
They then capture the secret
and encase it in the tiniest of bottles
they squish the cork in tight with their itsy bitsy hands.
With glee they place the bottle in their backpack
and snake their way right back outside.
"Hello world." The secret says.
Once the cork has been popped, anyone can know.
The creatures do jumping jacks,
They bathe in their folly.
This land can only contain "secrets".
What is hidden so well behind the curtains,
Under the vests and inside the olive jar
is easily found by the sticky fingered creatures
and will be exposed before you can paint it a mask.

.

Can consider.

The drowsiest child can still see colors

The oldest man can still feel wind

The blind can hear

The deaf can taste.



Eyes that cross can be blue

legs that wobble can wear stockings.

Small things can be big

Big things can be nothing



Thoughts can be pictures

pictures can speak

So can thoughts.



Wondering can change people

Remembering can restore.



I can speak.
I can remember.
The world can change.







.

meet sun

A tangle of mishaps
One hundred paths
for today alone.
I've misplaced my flashlight
so
I stumble onto a bumpy road
trip a little
I'm tiny and dumb here.
a downward slope.
bruised and heaving I reach the next crossroad.
I've found a lone match
this path looks sweeter
this path is okay
the match dims.
I trip a little.
Oh, oh here I go.
Flashlight, where are you?
A lantern, ideal.
Maybe if I look harder.
But with what, this burnt measly match?
Crossroad 3.
hands fluttering about the ground,
I've found nothing.

help God.

He tells me,

"Okay daughter, meet sun."

scheme

In the scheme of things,
I've got it alright.
On the tops of the trees
and the dirt and the fleas
in a shack
on the back of the biggest turtle.
Culture clashes, unexplainable rashes
babies who pass
sinners in mass
the toughest times
the best of times
wondering if there is a God.
Projects that fail,
words never written
ants that are stepped on,
a single fitting mitten.
Those who stumble
buildings that crumble.
A cry in the distance, an unreachable hand
a lonely cadaver.
a distant land.
You've asked me my fears
I have ended.
I've begun
I've fallen
I've gotten up
I've fallen.

You can catch.
Oh Lord, what a catch.

In the scheme of things, I'm okay.
without you,
I'm a building that crumbles.
A word never written.

hs

You have never seen a piece like this,
Oh no,
We have here a mouth that never closes,
the teeth, yes, they continually chatter.
Those lips there form every sound there is.
The best part of all
is that if you whisper to it your secrets
the mouth remembers your every thought!
It will pack them away
and then it will repeat them to everyone it sees!
Soon everyone will know all of your deepest darkest secrets!
You no longer have to tell people things for yourself,
this mouth here can tell all of your stories with its own words.
Not only all of that, it can lie too!
Yes, it can exaggerate your stories,
it can even pretend it hasn't told them at all!
Such a laugh!
It can befriend you,
It can say, "I won't tell!"
What silly little, joyous lies this mouth can proclaim!
Get ready for no more privacy, no more trust,
and the joy of everyone knowing your personal life!
It's really a piece, I tell ya.
Throw on some pink gloss and you've got yourself a real piece.
Priceless.

rubadub.

Just a washing machine
that's all I'll ever live in
being washed and washed
and tossed around
tumbling and tumbling
a good washing couldn't hurt
Maybe, but people will keep opening it up,
throwing their dirty laundry right in there with me
And we'll tumble together
soiling and desoiling
dirty and not
the dizziness winning
I'll eventually have no skin left to clean
just the clatter of bones
tumbling
and that dirty laundry
all these things
so clean I cannot stand it
then mussied up once again
not a bath anymore
just washing and rewashing
and tumbling
no skin left
an ache,
around and around we go
soap and bubbles.

I remember sun.

I put on those sunglasses
and looked at everything through summer eyes.
Sepia pink, I'd say.
Sometimes my favorite.
I saw birds perched on my porch
6 year old me playing in puddles
I saw sun
so so so much sun
I saw warm
I felt it
but most of all I saw it
I saw towels in sand
bunchy bathing suits
sticky pavement
I saw orange
I saw yellow
A beautiful yellow
I pinched at my tank top
I created air
I pulled grass from the ground
Yes, so much grass
I didn't even feel bad
I rubbed a dandelion on my nose
I examined ant hills
I shook a wimpy tree
I shook it and helicopters fell from the sky
They whirled and whirled
I frowned at a pine tree. It's not the time for you.
I rolled down the grassiest hill
and the clouds became pinwheels
They whirled and whirled.
I sat with my back against a tree
but worried about spiders getting into my hair
I swatted my arms
I enviously looked at those kids in strollers
I could taste chalk, purple chalk
I saw short shorts
I could hear that buzzing
That mysterious beetle buzzing
I could smell warm
Yes, I smelt it
But most of all I saw it.
You can see summer through those sunglasses
Sepia pink.

Oh boy, what you do

I've had a lot to say lately.
Here's another about him.

He's a winner, my Nathan.
He makes songs.
I will marry him.
we have so much past in so little time. I love that.
Horngry always.
We don't have to talk all the time
but I tell him everything.
I like making out with him.
I love his earlobes.
I wish I could give him everything in the world.
He's got the most comfortable body ever.
I never want to hug another belly so closely again.
We love adventures, we're ridiculous.
His skin is so soft.
I never thought I'd be so gushy with someone.
I forget all my words with him.
He has a beard and glasses, which I love.
But I love HIM more.
I love our futures.
My mind is filled to the brim with him.
We've such a tale, a Blockbuster hit.
I hope his heart is always well.
Trunkkkk.
We love good meals, I love feeling full with him.
I'm always cold and he's always hot. So we even each other out, you know, make warm.
He takes care of me when mother nature beats me up.
Nobelly I'd rather be with. :]
He's my favorite sweater.
We loved naughty March.
I want to see the world with him.
I wish I could jump in his pocket and just go to work with him some days.
I like sleeping next to him. I like being next to him.
He's wins my All Time Favorite Award.

look.

Where on earth do I look?
there are messes of people around me
mountains of debris
To my left I see chaos, uncontrollable disasters
to my right I see pleasures, a jolly kingdom of laughter pulsating
I look ahead and see work, laboring men and women, sweaty backs hunched in a strenuous pull
Behind me stands everyone I know, hundreds of rows and columns of friends, of enemies
Blank faces staring at me, waiting.
I look above and see the Lord, a half smile on His face
He knows I still long to be with him
But he knows I'm half willing
that the world is stroking my back, holding my hand
I am in the Lord's palm, but I'm lying on my stomach with my head peering over the edge
looking to the ground
I've not jumped off, I know I don't want to
But I also know that I have worldly treasures right in my pocket
I know that laziness, greed, lust, pride, and at times, hatred
linger there, getting the attention they certainly don't deserve.
Where do I look?
Above. I must look above. I know I must.
but where does my heart lie?
where is my trust?
I need to remember.
Time to empty your pockets.

new beginnings.

maybe I don't want to fix things.
maybe I want them to stay how they are,
remain completely imperfect.
I always try so hard to win people over
to keep things steady
I beat myself up over the pettiest of quarrels.
But maybe I shouldn't.
I normally would never think such things.
Normally I would try to start small talk
(which takes so much for me)
I'd worry endlessly
I'd do anything for normalcy
I'd be a pouty little baby about it.
But this time, maybe things should be different.
Maybe I'll try not trying.
I'm just going to live my life
and not fret
and not struggle.
I'm just going to keep moving forward
and if things fall behind me and can't catch up
so be it.
so be it.
college next year.
that's where my head is.
I'm not even here right now.
All these things will soon be nothing
not even a memory.
the true will run alongside me
The others, well they'll do what they do.
I choose to be happy.
I choose to not care about what people think about me
I choose to not let people's actions dig into me anymore.
All will be forgotten.
All will be forgiven.
so be it.
It's all okay.

true

I know it's real
when I can lay on your belly and feel like one of your body parts.
when you hug me and your arms act as the strongest steel.
Nothing can hurt me.
I know it's real
when we can laugh at my deepest secrets,
when I miss you after only an hour,
when I could listen to your unsteady heart beat all day long.
I know it's real
when one hundred men could flirt with me
and all I'd rather do is hear your voice.
when you look at me and I feel like the most desirable thing on the earth.
when I look at you and see forever and ever.
I just know
when I can talk all day
with some knowledge and wit
and the moment love comes out of your mouth
I shut up
and can only grin and grin and grin and rub your hand.
It's absolutely real.

I've never been so sure.

Godspeed bumblebee

Everything you say stings bumblebee.
You think you're adorable.
But you only sting.
That's all you ever do, bumblebee.
You fly around in your colorful coat
you flaunt your wings like that's all that matters
You never gather honey.
If anything, you toss the honey at us all.
It's your mess.
Instead of cleaning it, you ignore it
you justify it.
It's not okay anymore little bumblebee.
What will be left of you?
What will remain?
A shameful legacy.
Your wings will tatter, bumblebee
Your flight will fail someday
And which of your comrades will carry you?
No one, bumblebee, no one.
Because you drop us all.
You would never carry me.
You would never carry anyone.
Good luck, bumblebee.
Godspeed.

.

Psha, friends.


yeahkay.