How was your weekend?

Oh boy oh boy oh boy.

Cartwheels and
Ferris Wheels and
Magentas and teals,
Moonbeams and Christmas
and treesap and lipstick.
And lightning and hurricanes,
And sugar cones and candy canes,
And blushing brides and gondola rides and rushing tides and sunny sides!
And and and and

And all that is good in the world.

I'm sensing a new adventure brewing...
and this is how I feel about it,


and that is happy.

The Lord is gracious.


And He is my everything.

.

MY HEART IS ALWAYS WRONG.

GREAT. REALLY.

'

So here you are,
Backwards again.
Turn your head
and then your body.
And then you'll be forwards.
The crops are rising right before your eyes
either way
but they'll all soon fail
and then the tin man and the scarecrow will be all that remain.
Forget crops.
Forget them.
Tin man and the scarecrow.
That's fine.
Now I'll just spin
so backwards and forwards can just blend together.
and those crops will be a blur.
And that's fine.
And I'll spin so so fast
And just become a helicopter.
With those two.
And that'll be fine.

,

Things are nothing but mediocre.
But then I think of joyous thoughts.
Futuristic
Melodramatic
Improbable
Joyous thoughts.

They sustain me but a couple hours.
Maybe a day.
But then
Mr. Reality comes skipping
right around the corner
Finds a unicycle
rides around me
then throws a cupcake right at my nose.

Well, I wake up.
I do.
And I find,
Mr. False
Mr. Obligation
Mr. Everyoneelseintheworld
standing around my bed.

And then comes the dread.
The fear.
And the worry.
And nothing,
nothing at all
is even remotely clear.

Verwarring.

Ceaseless, ghastly, preposterous unknowing.

..

"Miss you."

"I gotta go, bye."

...dial tone.

"Okay. Bye."


False shrug.
Energy depleted.
Hype abolished.
Corner of mouth up.
Eyes down.
Never mind.




huh.

Dear

Lord,

My head is a whirlwind of stray cats
ravenous coyotes
and delusional drunks these days.

I can't do things alone anymore God.
I can't make decisions anymore.
I refuse.
All my ideas and aspirations are dust.
I only
only
want what you have for me Lord.
That's all I want anymore.
I don't care what anyone wants,
what they'll think
what I think.
It's all you buddy.
Please guide me.
Here's my whole self.
God I'm willing.

Love you.
Love,
Ashley

_

Wow. Anxiety is fun.



My stomach is in my chest
and my heart is in my throat
and my eyebrows ache
and my breathing is off
and my head is running
and my legs would like to
There are so many people
so many issues
so many appointments
so many disappointments
so many occasions
so many expectations


Why do I get myself into such train wrecks
just to please others?
Seriously?

Ulcers, here I come.

long.

ulll
ughgh
Sometimes I just get so upset.
Secretly irate even.
I have a lot of friends so I shouldn't complain
and they all appreciate me and love me and such
but the ONE person I want to love me and appreciate me the most,
simply doesn't.
I feel like I'm not pretty enough
like I'm not witty enough
like I'm not unique enough
and maybe I'm not.
And I'm being foolish by even caring about this
which makes me even more undesirable probably.
I wouldn't doubt it.
I just feel awful, immeasurably low sometimes.
and yet I'm willing to put it all aside just to hang out with this person
even if it is just in private
even if I'm thrown aside in public
and ignored
even if the other friends don't have a clue who I am
and don't care to.
even though it rips me up inside.
pathetic actually.
It's crazy but that's how much I care about this person,
even though this person practically hides me
while I'm willing to loudspeaker the entire universe
telling it how much this person means to me.
Isn't it ironic?
how all my inspirations for everything come from this one person.
every piece of art I create,
every place in the world I'd like to go,
is derived from the million places in my mind
that contain just the thought of this one person.
I let these familiar lions of emotions loose once,
I did,
and they ate up all the hard feelings.
and things were fine.
and then the hard feelings arose from the dead
in a grotesque zombie manner.
and now these cowardly lions retreat in terror.
if these were brought out again would they just be killed?
would they fix anything at all?
probably not.
so tears, stay in your sponge.
Maybe this person cannot change.
Maybe I need to move on
quit being such a foolish 13 year old girl.
But then
I can't.
because I love this person.
despite despite despite.
and that's all there is to it.

.

I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord,
for whose sake I have lost all things.
I consider them rubbish,
that I may gain Christ and be found in Him,
not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law,
but that which is through faith in Christ-
the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.
-Philippians

The sovereign Lord is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of deer,
he enables me to go on the heights.
For the director of music.
On my stringed instruments.
-Habakkuk

mkebleeve

Okay Ashley,
you think you understand love?
you don't.
These adoration illusions
grip you and fool you
mirages of infatuation titillate you
your heart flies
But then this guise vanishes
falls falls falls
And all disappears in one instant.
Your breath is gone
and all that's left is absence.
You're backwards
Then sideways
And the prick of Cupid's arrow
is then undisturbed flesh
And you realize that everything was air
void of substance
the beating of the heart was the wind
the feelings, washable.
"love"

you've not yet known it.

Okay then.
okay.

seasons

Seasons are a neat system I think
Trees bloom
Disrobe
become home to icicles
Then the snow melts
Becomes a sweet beverage,
And trees bloom.

Simple and perfectly operating.
If God orchestrates that so well
why wouldn't he do the same for me?
I truly believe he will.
That's what I think.

Dear

Brain,
Please stop thinking.

Humankind,
Please stop running.

World,
Please stop turning.

mm

I hate decisions.
and responsibility.
and obligations.
and disappointments.
and feeling so uncertain about everything.

running away sounds nice.
with five dollars in my pocket,
no connections,
just my Bible
peppermint tea
and
a page france cd.
a coffee corrupted skirt
a pencil and paper.
a car smothered in dirt.
making acquaintances
forgetting forest lake.
watching clouds
noticing everything, wide awake.
collecting apples along the way.
the seasons changing
no timepieces crushing me
no superiors rushing me.
Just that higher being
being.
And of course myself
fleeing.

...

Hi Eric.

amour

Love for me so far has been a tangle of misleading illusions
A hope floating too high above
a lingering smile
a broken boomerang
my heart has so many filthy fingerprints on it
while my hands are without gore
my stomach is trite from the oh so familiar butterflies
with their tattered wings fluttering in petty hopes
love has been neither black nor white
but a gray zone, and shaded secret
my daydreams consume my every thought
my tears being wasted on ludicrous castles in the sky
wishing on stars has become routine
the potential beaus offer pitiful glances
I eat up that glance and digest it as an ardor plea
but he holds no infatuation
his heart beat at its usual speed
while mine races an endless race with no finish line
our intentions clash entirely
wedding bells are dinging in my head
while my worthless words escape his
love has been like every inanimate object I've ever owned
like every star I've ever admired
like every dead hope
my feelings are plastic and easily cracked
disoriented and lost in a labyrinth
my heart follows so many
but then is led to the uncharted islands
and stranded
but maybe someday
on his mighty ship
he will lower the anchor
and rescue me.