,

Things are nothing but mediocre.
But then I think of joyous thoughts.
Futuristic
Melodramatic
Improbable
Joyous thoughts.

They sustain me but a couple hours.
Maybe a day.
But then
Mr. Reality comes skipping
right around the corner
Finds a unicycle
rides around me
then throws a cupcake right at my nose.

Well, I wake up.
I do.
And I find,
Mr. False
Mr. Obligation
Mr. Everyoneelseintheworld
standing around my bed.

And then comes the dread.
The fear.
And the worry.
And nothing,
nothing at all
is even remotely clear.

Verwarring.

Ceaseless, ghastly, preposterous unknowing.

..

"Miss you."

"I gotta go, bye."

...dial tone.

"Okay. Bye."


False shrug.
Energy depleted.
Hype abolished.
Corner of mouth up.
Eyes down.
Never mind.




huh.

Dear

Lord,

My head is a whirlwind of stray cats
ravenous coyotes
and delusional drunks these days.

I can't do things alone anymore God.
I can't make decisions anymore.
I refuse.
All my ideas and aspirations are dust.
I only
only
want what you have for me Lord.
That's all I want anymore.
I don't care what anyone wants,
what they'll think
what I think.
It's all you buddy.
Please guide me.
Here's my whole self.
God I'm willing.

Love you.
Love,
Ashley

_

Wow. Anxiety is fun.



My stomach is in my chest
and my heart is in my throat
and my eyebrows ache
and my breathing is off
and my head is running
and my legs would like to
There are so many people
so many issues
so many appointments
so many disappointments
so many occasions
so many expectations


Why do I get myself into such train wrecks
just to please others?
Seriously?

Ulcers, here I come.